This is the last post for another year. Each year I celebrate my survivor anniversary. Hopefully my honesty can help others in the midst of struggle unable to think they will make it.

Slowly my bumps became what felt like over inflated balloons. They felt hard and heavy. I was still having the fathom nerve pain, matter of fact I had it for years. They do a fill every so often. Then eventually after they are done filling the expander, you wait for a couple of months for the skin to stretch and heal. After the months are over then you are able to have the exchange. This means you get your real implants, and they are soft and more natural.

I give the whole process because it does take months to finish, in the meantime, you are a work in progress. So while the lumpectomy, chemo, radiation girls are dealing with their treatment issues. You are dealing with surgery healing. Neither is easy, neither is fun. Either way you go, it takes at least a year to start to feel any amount of real strength. Your body is not the same, and all this stuff takes a toll on you.

I tend to get sick not often but more easily. Fatigue before would make me feel tired, now I can feel exhausted. I used to think that was only the chemo, radiation girls. Now through talking to many survivors I think it is the cancer changes. An infection can develop faster and nastier in us. I struggle with it as well as many survivors do.

I have said that The Beast taught me my priority list was not correct. I was a too busy mom; I did excessively much for too many people. Most of the people were not my family. Now my family comes first then everyone else. I do say no more often, I do limit the amount of time and effort I spend on things that take away from my family. Anything can separate you from your family too much, and I am no longer willing to let that happen. That is not to say that my volunteering wasn’t doing good things, but if you don’t feel you did your best at home. No amount of helping others will make you feel better.

I saw that my focus needed to be on people not things. Contentment became a focus as well. With the beast, any moment you can laugh or dance is special. Prayer time became more intimate to me, it is hard to explain but my relationship with God changed. I was no longer a child; I had a personal home number to God. He heard my every cry; It is not about salvation it is about the exclusiveness of me and him.

So that is my tale, it has taken me three years to document.

I wanted to share with you the local woman that I know that was diagnosed before me told me her and her husband no longer celebrate their anniversary. They celebrate the day she became a survivor. That day is the day for them to remember. Hers is next week, and she will be a four-year survivor.

May this post help someone out there facing the beast know that they are no alone.

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This is the second post on my mastectomy and reconstruction. The story is detailed I know but so many don’t understand the procedure of reconstructing the breast. I consider my doctor a breast artist, he created for me breast that look and feel normal. It is what most women dream of. To shorten this part would take away how amazing the procedure has become. Tomorrow will be the last beast post for a while I hope.

I looked good I felt good and strong going into surgery. I had lost weight before I was diagnosed, I was running a mile or two several days a week. I was doing Pilates every day. I was in the zone. I was unprepared, but I thought I was prepared.

Hubby works shift work and farms. The boys needed Hubby at home the night of my surgery, everyone was trying to help but my kids were not going to be okay unless Dad was home. I had never been away from them other than giving birth.

My procedure is not easily or short. They take you apart; they remove everything from your chest one side at a time. They even take your breast lymph nodes, and they cut your nerves. Then as the breast surgeon has finished one breast, the cosmetic surgeon comes in and starts in the flat chest. The patient gets what they call expanders, and they are amazing things if you understand them. They are like a saline implant but they have a port in them surrounded by a metal ring. They put in some saline after they get them in and they sew you back up. Then when the other breast is done, the surgeon does the same with the other breasts. Then you are wrapped up with a huge ace bandage.

I went in about 4 and came out about 9, I was groggy and in the worst pain of my life. I was convinced I would not make it. I could not move my hands an inch without such awful pain. Hubby had made plans to leave. I was sure my drip would work and I didn’t need him. A friend named Kathy had decided that no matter what I said she was spending the night. She was my angel on earth, she could push the button when I could not. The nurse said that over the night I would get better.

By the next morning, Kathy had given me a short facial and I was pushing the button for myself. The human body is an amazing example of strength. It was a rough night but I wanted desperately to go home. I heal best at home on my comfortable leather couch Hubby bought me for my recovery. I wanted to see my kids so badly. I do not recommend going home early but I insisted on it, and I don’t regret it. I have spent too much time with bad memories of hospitals for me to recover quickly in one. I had two drains, and the ace bandage. My two bumps looked good but I did not want to see the incision.

The drains would stay in three and half weeks. Drains are painful. They bug you. From time to time they pinch when you least expect it. Then there is the problem of the color of fluid. It looks awful. So you were loose long shirts to cover it up. More than once my drains got clogged. The first time I went the plastic surgeon physician’s assistant. She showed me how to get it unstuck. The other time Hubby was working nights. The tricky part with unclogging is you have to be careful about the containments. Infections are the biggest risk when such wounds have. W is not afraid of anything, he has a strong stomach. I was so glad he agreed to help me get my drain going again. Meanwhile my other sons and my nephew were hiding out to avoid seeing the fluid. They wanted me to be okay but they would not be able to look. During my three weeks I got more saline each week. At first the saline didn’t hurt, your skin is slowly stretched. These expanders are amazing when you watch them in action. A magnet finds the ports. I would watch each week with wonder the magnet find the one place on my body that had a rubber port in it.

The next installment will be at the end of three and half weeks.

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